


Know Thyself

by firjii



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Asexual Character, Brotp, Coming Out, Female Lavellan - Freeform, Friend Fiction, Gen, Implied Female Lavellan/Solas, Implied abuse, Light Angst, Other, Swearing, dorian pavus - Freeform, implied trauma, supportive dorian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 13:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17346044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firjii/pseuds/firjii
Summary: Unsettled by Halward Pavus's past actions and haunted by his confrontation with Dorian, Inquisitor Lavellan reflects on something she's been avoiding thinking about for a very long time. No longer able to banish some crippling feelings but barely able to articulate what she's known for years, she hesitantly entrusts a secret to Dorian. Dorian responds with some unexpected advice.





	Know Thyself

Dorian’s finger grazed the edge of a thick, pulpy page in a tome a little too quickly.

His surprised hiss echoed surprisingly far throughout the library, the paper’s stiffness quite altogether deceptive and its bite stronger than some poor-quality wines. He glanced up as he licked the cut. In the past, the Inquisitor had gotten wide-eyed over far smaller disturbances.

But her stare out the window was steady and unbroken, as it had been for most of the day – _several_ days, actually. He cleared his throat a little louder than was necessary. She still didn’t react. He watched her a moment longer. Her shoulders weren’t as tense as they had been at other times, but her elbows were rigid and crossed in front of her. Her hands didn’t clench and unclench as they were so often in the habit of doing, but their constant erratic twitches betrayed busy thinking.

“Something on your mind?” he lilted.

Her hands went on twitching.

“It’s just that you’ve been hounding me for weeks to learn more about runes, and truth be told, we’ve barely started yet.”

Only the drone of crows’ and ravens’ wing flaps answered him.

He closed the books on the table – but quietly. Magical study was pointless and even dangerous if the mage in question couldn’t concentrate on the task at hand.

“I never took you for a daydreamer.”

She sighed, barely.

“I know it might sound cheeky to ask, but is something wrong?”

She shifted her weight, barely.

“In my experience, quiet people are normally the most worried. It’s not that they don’t want to talk about it, they – just don’t know where to start.”

“What do they worry about?”

His brow relaxed: speech. It was a timid little rumble, but the thought was certain. She wasn’t as bad off as she _could_ be, then. “Mm. With ordinary people, it might be anything. But with leaders, I’ve found that it’s either death or a lover’s quarrel.”

“I’m used to death.”

“Ha! I know. We all are. Saving the world is a damned bloody business.”

She didn’t react.

He stood after a long moment. “I’ve heard the chatter, you know. It’s – a little difficult to avoid, even in Skyhold. I’m seen as the worldliest fellow here apart from the Orlesian set. It’s not entirely wrong. I’m rather pleased that they came to the right conclusion about _something_. Did you know, some southerners consider Tevinter to be a feeble little desert with quaint little ways.” His head bobbed along with his words. He cast his eyes downward. “But I’m sorry to dash your hopes.” He shrugged. “I’m not much use with affairs of the heart.”

“You’re still more use than _me_.”

“I very much doubt that. I-”

She turned around. Her face was immovable and stoic, but her eyes shimmered by the candlelight and lanterns.

He paled. “What happened?”

“I shouldn’t ask. I’ve seen of the others – they come for advice. You always find something to say to shut them up even though you’re bluffing. I _know_ you are. I wouldn’t ask if I had another choice.”

Her voice had decayed a little more with each sentence. He gathered his breath very carefully. “What choice?”

“I can’t get your father out of my head.”

“Oh? That’s a common affliction among those who meet him.”

Her jaw tightened around a tense swallow. “Are there –” She flicked her eyes about. “I-I don’t know how to say it well. Are there a lot of people like you in Tevinter?”

“Ha! Depends who you ask, really.”

“But you’re not the only one. You can’t be.”

He made himself still. “No. I’m not. Of course I’m not.”

“Women too?”

“Certainly.”

She closed her eyes and frowned tightly for an instant. “No, what I meant was – I –”

He waited. The tension was hers, not his. He could at least see _that_ much. So he waited. He watched the words swim and dance in the mind that made her seem equally baffling and brilliant to strangers.

She took a deep breath, but the resolve that was probably meant to brace her crumbled before she finished exhaling. “Do you think it’s possible for someone to – to want _and_ not want? In _that_ way, I mean.”

His thoughts simultaneously accelerated and slowed. Was she saying what it sounded like she was saying? “You-”

She shook her head in quick little jerks. “I’m not a – it’s not that I don’t know what happens. I do. But that was different. That was –” Her face contorted. Dorian waited for a sob but no noise came. She recovered herself, barely. She glanced at everything and everywhere but Dorian. “That was _so_ _different_. And my clan acted strangely after that – more so than before, I mean. But I think it happened because I didn’t – I don’t know, I didn’t care about that. Even before it happened, I didn’t care. And the others must’ve seen that, and-”

He raised a hand gently to silence her. “I understand.” He shook for an instant, but he stifled it. Outrage wouldn’t help her just now. “And in that case, Inquisitor, I have a favor to ask.”

She quieted her frame and waited.

“Beyond this sentence, don’t take _any_ advice on this matter – from _anyone_ , even me.”

Her eyes glazed a fraction. “Isn’t it worth some worry?”

“Only if you go on trying to be something that you don’t feel you are.”

Her shoulders bounced twice and she hugged herself a little tighter.

Dorian struggled to hide his cringe at seeing such angular movements. Had she been skipping meals again?

“It’s silly, I know. The world’s still in danger and there’s still so much left undone. This is the last thing I should think about. I’ll find someone eventually anyway.”

“You might. You might not. That’s all anyone can know for certain, really. ”

“Are you angry?”

“Why _would_ I be?”

She looked away and moved for the railing. She leaned her elbows on it and tented her fingers. “I’ve met people who don’t mind which path someone takes as long as it means sharing the path with someone else.”

“Then they were wrong.”

“How can they be wrong?”

“You didn’t decide to be the way you are any more than you decided to be a mage.”

“That’s not enough for some people.”

“Well it damn well _should_ be.” He copied her pose and stared out at nothing in particular. “Here we are again,” he grinned. Despite her somberness, a smirk tugged at the very edges of the Inquisitor’s mouth, just as he knew it always did when he said it. “Here we are, some of the brightest scholars and strongest warriors in the world, trying to save this damned shithole that’s tried to kill us Maker knows how many times. If we succeed, it shouldn’t matter who or what we are. The rest is just gossip. Remember that, Inquisitor.”

She frowned again and paled. “Ameridan almost said something like that.”

“There you are, then: _two_ votes of confidence.”

A lull settled over them, the birds still the only company on this particular afternoon.

“But if you don’t mind me saying, I don’t think you need to worry about finding someone.”

“Why?”

Dorian casually pointed down at the empty rotunda. “I’ve seen how you are with Solas. I’ve seen how he is with _you_.”

She turned around suddenly and folded her arms up again. “I know. It’s not fair.” She leaned her waist against the railing. “I can’t go on thinking what I’m thinking _and_ draw closer to someone.”

“Why not?”

A dozen sharp lines and shadows crossed her face. “But it’s not – that’s not-”

“ _Why…not_?” He drew the words out as he smiled in earnest.

“He would never agree to something like that. _No one_ would.”

He slowly clasped his hands together. “The one thing I’ve learned from all that I’ve seen in the world is that no two situations are alike. They might end in the same way, but they don’t always start the same. No two people are entirely alike. No two pairings are entirely alike.”

She blinked hard several times and stared over her shoulder down below. “Do you think he and I could be a – pairing?”

“That’s not for me to say. I only see what I see.”

“But you see something between us?”

He rested a palm on her hand. “You’re right. There’s _not_ a lot I can say. There’s not a lot I can do to help.”

She swiped a rogue tear away as if jabbing a gnat off of her face. She nodded and lowered her head.

“There’s not a lot I can say because it’s none of my business. That doesn’t mean there isn’t anything to consider – and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try looking if that’s what you want.”

“I wish someone would tell me what I wanted.”

“There’s a certain old piece of Tevinter wisdom. It’s been twisted to mean many things, but that doesn’t make it any less true than whatever lucky soul put it into words in the first place.”

“And what’s that?”

“‘ _Above all else, know thyself_.’”

“I don’t think that’s something I could ever follow.”

“Knowing that you _don’t_ know is still knowledge. It’s still more than the average damned fool in the street can understand.” He snorted. “It’s still more than _I_ know sometimes.”

The Inquisitor shot him a frown.

“Yes, even _I’m_ surprised that I said that,” he lilted.

They both let out patchy, quiet chuckles, the Inquisitor’s a fraction more uncertain than Dorian’s but no less sincere.

**Author's Note:**

> I realize that many people are annoyed by the idea of Dorian as “the gay friend who fixes relationships,” but this was my sincere attempt to focus on the fact that it can actually be quite hard for a non-ace person to give an ace person relationship advice. In some cases, literally the only practical guidance someone can give is for them to ignore what other people are telling them, hence my title choice.


End file.
